Shot by my own arrow

"Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth." -Psalm 127:4

Parenting is one of, if not, the hardest job God has given us. To raise a child in the ways of the Lord with the uncertainty of him actually even following the Creator is challenging, but it's rewarding. There're many helpful techniques and practices raising children, but this isn’t one of them. This is about my failure I’m willing to share with you.

I was listening to a Christian talk radio show driving back from work one time and they were talking about parenting. One of the speakers was telling a story about a conversation he had with his son about God and asked, "How do you know the Father loves you?" The son replied with the most Gospel-Centered answer, "Because God sent his only Son to die on the cross for me". To my guess, this radio host raised his kids reading the bible since birth and substituted math homework with the book of John. Then he followed on by asking his son, "How do you know I love you?" His son started spewing out, "well, we do this, we do that, and I love when we do this together!" That thought didn't escape me for the rest of the drive home. A little background, my relationship with my 10 year-old son was not the greatest. Before I became a Christian, I was verbally abusive, selfish, angry and neglected my wife and son; I grew up in a similar environment. I experienced affliction instead of affection and since I wasn't familiar on how to display or showcase a fatherly love, it was hard; I didn't know how. Now, as I experienced the love of Christ and matured, the Spirit helped me to make it more natural and organic….But this question though!?!

When I got home, I sat down and stared at my son. As I examined every inch of him, the thoughts of my past parenting, mixed in with the thoughts of how I treat him now, flooded my head. I hesitantly asked him, hoping I would get the same answer the radio host's son gave his father, "Zaylen, how do you know God loves you?", He looked at me puzzled at this out-of-the-blue question and said, "Because He gave us Jesus". But the heaviness on my chest wasn't lifted yet like it should have been. Then I mustered up the courage to ask him, "Well, how do you know I love you?"...He was silent. Thinking maybe he didn't understand the question, my wife interjects and asked, "How do you know I love you?" And of course he would name the longest list of things, like hugs, buying things, doing things. So I asked again, "how do you know I love you?"... Silence. Again, he couldn't think of anything. My initial thought was "really nothing? After all that I do for you guys?" That heaviness slowly turned into a sharp pain that pressed against my heart. After a minute he named a couple of things he thought would make me feel better about the situation. But to know my own son had difficulties describing my love for him, tore me up inside for weeks. From that point I would question things like, “What am I doing wrong? What am I doing to repair and strengthen my relationship with my son?” It wasn't his fault he felt this way, it was mine. I gathered some men up from the church and asked for prayer to help me connect with my son, to be able to show him love and affection he deserves, to break out of my own comfort-zone and show some love. After a couple of days my son, would verbally express his desire to spend time together. But the sad part was, it was always there; God gave me a heart and ears to finally notice.

Hebrews 12:10 mentions earthly fathers teaching discipline, “...as it seemed best to them”. This just tells me, that I am not perfect and I will get it wrong from time to time. But here is what I was doing wrong in the past and even now:

1.) Consequences of my Anger:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” -Ephesians 6:4

This one hurts the most as I can relate to the first part of this verse. Not only does our anger and frustration scare and hurt our children, it prevents them from loving and trusting us. If God doesn’t want us to have that type of fear of Him than why would I want my own son to have that fearsome relationship with me. I have asked my son before if he is scared to ask me about things or even talk to me...and he said, yes. My heart was torn and it had to change.

2.) Not Listening Is Not Loving

Men, I am talking about actual listening. The kind of listening that your wife or girlfriend get mad at you about. The listening that requires your full attention and response. It’s more than just hearing the words coming out someone’s mouth, its showing compassion, care and love by either your verbal response or action. When reading the Old Testament, we find God’s people refusing to listen to all that God commanded. Their failure to listen to someone God called on to deliver His divine messages ended in their ruin. Not only was this complete and utter disrespect on their part, but it’s one of the most unloving expressions one could give. God gives ear, to those that love him, to every prayer, cry for help and request for mercy, to worship, and any request. My ears need to be attentive to my son as the Father to His people. If I don’t listen to my son and all of the ridiculous things that are important to him, then I am not showing him love or respect. If I don’t show him love and respect, then he will look to the world for love and respect…. And we all know how that goes. There is a phrase in proverbs that says, “To apply your heart” (22:17), we should listen by applying our hearts.

3.) Selfish Nature Reigns

Oh my…. Once again my flesh seems to yield to laziness and self-centeredness. The comfortableness of my presence without being present seems to get easier to get into without any thought of my son’s heart being broken. If my ears are not open, how can I hear his heart? If my feet are propped up on a stool to relax, how can I lead my son in the ways of the Lord? And if I don’t speak, how will he listen to wisdom instead of folly?

What I Should Be Doing:

Spend more time together!!!

Teach them who God is. Who are they learning from? You or the world?

Get out of your comfort zone!!!!