Our Dearest Abby...

Hurting with others

The loss of a child is probably the most devastating time in someone’s life. I couldn't imagine the heart-wrenching feeling of my own flesh and blood, suddenly vanish from my arms only to be left holding the rails of a picture frame. February 24th, 2019, a 7-month old sweet baby girl, that quite honestly became part of our family, passed away suddenly at a babysitter's house. The news absolutely broke my family's heart. The parents were completely blinded sided and like any other parents, were hurt, confused, questioned why and how all this could’ve happened.

Tanya and I were supposed to watch Ms. Abby and her older brother (2) that day but couldn't; we were in the middle of purchasing a new car when her mom asked us. The excitement and joyous occasion of God blessing our family with a much needed new vehicle, was quickly overcast by a dark cloud of heartache. After we received the news, feelings of guilt and sadness flooded my wife's heart and remained stagnate for weeks. Now, I can't speak for the parents on how they felt but I can tell you is the side of our family's grief. I'm sure we would like to believe what the parents were feeling, but only a small community really know that level of pain.

All of this was too difficult and overwhelming for Tanya and me. Tanya would find herself become more distant from people and I would hold back any emotion tied to Abby’s passing but it was so hard. There was something about this little girl that would prevent our hearts from healing at the same pace as the others; maybe just a little faster than mommy and daddy but not by much. We wanted to distance ourselves and cover ourselves in sorrow because mourning was too hard to get up from. It was a load, a ton, too heavy to carry on our own.

Tanya, took this very hard and the emotional toll weighed heavily on her heart. She has so much love for Abby and her older brother; I am talking about a motherly love. Not only did we try to deal with our own pain-stricken hearts, but we wanted to be there for the parents as well. This also was very difficult to do, but we needed each other during this time. Abby’s mom was immediately surrounded by loved ones but the words of comfort seemed to dematerialize before reaching her heart. What could’ve been said to make things better? What words could make things feel normal again? What? The Story of Job would play over and over in my head and the scene of his friends saying all the wrong things was something that I tried not to do. But in a time like this, what were we supposed to do? So...we were there for them. Even if it was just to sit and be present, we were there for them. We were ready to open our arms and hurt with them. And when they came...it hurt a lot.

I am going to take this verse out of its context for just a minute because this was the best possible illustration I could think of at the moment. Paul said this, referring to confronting a brother or sister caught in sin, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). First, Paul’s statement of fulfilling the law of Christ reflects back to Galatians 5:13-14, “Serve one another humbly in love….For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself”. Okay, Got it. Understood. As Christians we read this verse and automatically know, we’re supposed to treat everyone with love and respect, to help people in their time of restoration and sanctification. But the first part of that verse is what gets me, “carry each other’s burdens”. Burdens here in this verse are the sins, or the shortcomings of others. We’re called to help someone get back on track and realign them back to the Father. But have we ever thought about, what this might feel like?

Now when I think of burden, I often think of something that is too much of a liability or obligation to others. Think about this with me for just a second, the word burden means “heavy load” or “tonnage”. A load is heavy and often requires more than one person to carry. Paul tells us that we’re meant to help carry the load someone else is struggling with. A load that is completely crushing someone spiritually and physically. The weight of a burden feels like a ton of bricks sitting on the middle of their chest. But God calls us to get under it and help lift it up. We’re not meant to carry the full load, just enough to ease their suffering. Now during this time, with the family and all the people surrounding the mother and father, we lifted that heavy stone and continued forward the best way we all knew how, with few words and a shared hurt. I absolutely love the encouragement about carrying each other's burdens from Timothy Keller, he writes:

“You cannot help with a burden unless you come very close to the burdened person, standing virtually in their shoes, and putting your own strength under the burden so its weight is distributed on both of you, lightening the load of the other. So in the same way, a Christian must listen and understand, and physically, emotionally, spiritually, take up some of the burden with the other person” (Galatians For You, 168)

But this wasn’t easy, it still isn’t. Our family has never felt such a passage as Galatians 6:2 since Tanya and I became Christians and read for the first time we’re new creations. I don't want to take anything away from the mother and father, or say "pay attention to my grief"....I actually ask you to pray for them as they go through this dark time. Pray that they would find strength in Him who is the author of our lives and to trust in Him even when they want to question the very reason for something like this.

The unfortunate reality is that not many people will know where to go or who to talk to in a difficult season. And not many people will be able to stand on their feet again after being forced to their knees by pain and heartache. Burdens are heavy and almost impossible to bear. I think God knows what it feels like to lose a son, I mean he gave His only Son to die on the cross for us! He knows that pain and He did it for YOU! God gave us Jesus to give us freedom from sin and hope in times were we think we can’t go on. Jesus said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:28-30). Go to Him! To one that offers rest for your weary heart. Go to Him! To the one that knows your pain. Go to Him! To the one that wants to help you carry that heavy burden. Jesus said come to Him and we should, but just like Jesus we should also be ready and willing to help those who ask. If you cling on to Jesus, don’t be afraid to hurt with others. Don’t be afraid to feel what others are feeling. Don’t be afraid to be a light in a dark place. Let God use you and strengthen the hearts that are hurting. He loves you…now show others.